Divorce or mad passionate love?

There are things in our lives that make us question every single thing that is going on around us, one of them being for us.... my best friend and her failing marriage currently.

He and I are friends with them both, we have known her longer though, and knew her before we met years ago. She has been a constant friend to me, and I to her. She is my leaning post, and I am hers...... It just seems when I need to be held up, I dont have the ever looming 12pk of Budweiser in tow like she does....

In the middle of her marriage falling apart, her daughter and lover went to jail, another daughter moved her grandbaby away from her and her husband shut down totally.... he hasnt spoken in the house for days.

I sit and listen, and thank god for non-felon children and a good husband, even though Id like to beat him about the neck and face with a frying pan every now and again to wake his ass up.

There are days I look at him and detest him, but know I love him as well. There are days I feel like he doesnt know a fucking thing and ignores half of what goes on here with me and the kids..... but I know he doesnt.

He sits and stews about losing the house, losing the new truck, losing the electricity and he not being in control of taking care of his family. He doesnt share that with me until I poke and prod and bitch and moan about him not sharing things with me.... then it all comes out. He isnt ignorning ME, he is trying to figure out how he can still maintain control and take care of our family, because in his eyes, it is the MANS duty. If he fails (ie- we lose the house, have the phone turned off etc...) he has failed as a man.

Little does he know, he has got a wife that runs the bills. YES, some may be late, but we dont go with out.... I make sure I use our $ down to the last DOLLAR to insure our bills are paid, in order for him to see he is not a failing man... lol I rob from one bank account to pay this, and then on payday start all over again. There may not be a lot of money in our accounts, but I bounce that shit back and forth quick enough things ARE covered.

He doesnt "see" my paychecks. I have it all direct deposited. I have a monthly goal I have set for myself as far as money goes, and I am upping it weekly... and reaching it too! He sees his paycheck, and takes it to the bank, because he doesnt feel like he is making money unless he sees and deposits it himself.

It does me no good to tell him I am standing beside him, making adjustments where I see fit to make sure we live the meager life we are used to.... but I am and I will continue to do so, because I will not go with out anymore, ever again. I have lived off of crackers and water... and dammit now that I can actually by FOOD and supply my sons with clothing and a warm place to stay.... I will not step back unless something out of my control takes over.

We sat and talked the other night. He feels I dont talk to him anymore, and I truly feel the same. Turns out we are both worrying on how to maintain a happy family for our children... keeping our bills paid.... and me still staying home with the baby. We are thinking the exact same stuff, just no one is vocalizing anything.

We both have pissy looks on our faces 23 of 24 hours out of the day.

I am having a hard time adjusting to his kids being here, because they are not being positive members of our family. I am used to us all chipping in with the cooking, baby, homework etc... and they just SIT. That is what they do here, because they arent allowed to run wild like they do at the snatch's house. And I have to deal with it, because SHE chooses to not be a parent.

My teenager has a baby from school for parenting class he had to bring home and I had to send a letter explaining what happend because the oldest step child decided it was funny to drop it. NOW he could fuckin fail. I hope that my note to the teacher and the call I am hoping to make in a little bit will ease that. He can fail easy enough on his own.... lol

The baby (both mine and the fake one) were up most of the night. No one got any real good sleep...... After a weekend of adjusting to my step children being here and hearing how they dont want to be here.... all I wanted was to be held and a good nights sleep. lol Maybe tonight **insert eye roll here please** The fake baby is with us another night again tonight... so I am doubting it.

The one common ground my husband and I have decided we have together is a passionate love that neither one of us has ever felt for anyone else in our lives. He loved the mother of his older children, as I loved the dickhead bio father of mine.... but not an intense love that makes me cry at the meer thought of him not being here for the day, when I know he has to work and will be home tonight. The thought of my cell phone ringing and it showing HIS name on it....

The kind of love, that if it made my husband happy to be with out me and my children, I would gladly walk away.... if he was happy..... knowing my life would be horribly lonely and loveless after.... as long as HE was happy. That is the common thing we share.

The kind of love that makes him willing to walk away from me as well, as long as it is truly what I would want and it would truly make me happier.

I just dont see either one of us being happy with out the other.....

He hates my music, I hate his.
He hunts, I have a deep compassion and love for all animals.
He wants to be outside all of the time, I would rather be with my children or pets giving them the attention..... inside.
He is a morning person, Im a night owl.
Okay, we are both fat.... lol

But we are TOTAL opposites, and it works. He doesnt try to convert me to hunting, as I dont force him to listen to Biohazard. I dont force him to learn to knit, and he doesnt ask me to check my oil.... lol It works.

No one knows how either... its crazy, but its a good crazy.

When the stress has lifted, and the lights go off in the house. I hear a gentle snoring from the baby at the foot of my bed..... I hear a smile in my husbands voice in the dark...... I can feel how much he loves me when he says it........ and I know he means it.

When the crying friend goes home to be ignored by her husband, and after I have cried with her because her pain in so intense it hurts me inside...... she goes home to a miserable existence and I go in to a husband and 2 children who love me more than life itself.

To be held, and told that I am loved..... that is the passionate love I need and he knows it. For a person who is NOTHING like me, he knows me heart and soul and proves it on a daily basis....... I chose the passionate love.