Divorce or mad passionate love?

There are things in our lives that make us question every single thing that is going on around us, one of them being for us.... my best friend and her failing marriage currently.

He and I are friends with them both, we have known her longer though, and knew her before we met years ago. She has been a constant friend to me, and I to her. She is my leaning post, and I am hers...... It just seems when I need to be held up, I dont have the ever looming 12pk of Budweiser in tow like she does....

In the middle of her marriage falling apart, her daughter and lover went to jail, another daughter moved her grandbaby away from her and her husband shut down totally.... he hasnt spoken in the house for days.

I sit and listen, and thank god for non-felon children and a good husband, even though Id like to beat him about the neck and face with a frying pan every now and again to wake his ass up.

There are days I look at him and detest him, but know I love him as well. There are days I feel like he doesnt know a fucking thing and ignores half of what goes on here with me and the kids..... but I know he doesnt.

He sits and stews about losing the house, losing the new truck, losing the electricity and he not being in control of taking care of his family. He doesnt share that with me until I poke and prod and bitch and moan about him not sharing things with me.... then it all comes out. He isnt ignorning ME, he is trying to figure out how he can still maintain control and take care of our family, because in his eyes, it is the MANS duty. If he fails (ie- we lose the house, have the phone turned off etc...) he has failed as a man.

Little does he know, he has got a wife that runs the bills. YES, some may be late, but we dont go with out.... I make sure I use our $ down to the last DOLLAR to insure our bills are paid, in order for him to see he is not a failing man... lol I rob from one bank account to pay this, and then on payday start all over again. There may not be a lot of money in our accounts, but I bounce that shit back and forth quick enough things ARE covered.

He doesnt "see" my paychecks. I have it all direct deposited. I have a monthly goal I have set for myself as far as money goes, and I am upping it weekly... and reaching it too! He sees his paycheck, and takes it to the bank, because he doesnt feel like he is making money unless he sees and deposits it himself.

It does me no good to tell him I am standing beside him, making adjustments where I see fit to make sure we live the meager life we are used to.... but I am and I will continue to do so, because I will not go with out anymore, ever again. I have lived off of crackers and water... and dammit now that I can actually by FOOD and supply my sons with clothing and a warm place to stay.... I will not step back unless something out of my control takes over.

We sat and talked the other night. He feels I dont talk to him anymore, and I truly feel the same. Turns out we are both worrying on how to maintain a happy family for our children... keeping our bills paid.... and me still staying home with the baby. We are thinking the exact same stuff, just no one is vocalizing anything.

We both have pissy looks on our faces 23 of 24 hours out of the day.

I am having a hard time adjusting to his kids being here, because they are not being positive members of our family. I am used to us all chipping in with the cooking, baby, homework etc... and they just SIT. That is what they do here, because they arent allowed to run wild like they do at the snatch's house. And I have to deal with it, because SHE chooses to not be a parent.

My teenager has a baby from school for parenting class he had to bring home and I had to send a letter explaining what happend because the oldest step child decided it was funny to drop it. NOW he could fuckin fail. I hope that my note to the teacher and the call I am hoping to make in a little bit will ease that. He can fail easy enough on his own.... lol

The baby (both mine and the fake one) were up most of the night. No one got any real good sleep...... After a weekend of adjusting to my step children being here and hearing how they dont want to be here.... all I wanted was to be held and a good nights sleep. lol Maybe tonight **insert eye roll here please** The fake baby is with us another night again tonight... so I am doubting it.

The one common ground my husband and I have decided we have together is a passionate love that neither one of us has ever felt for anyone else in our lives. He loved the mother of his older children, as I loved the dickhead bio father of mine.... but not an intense love that makes me cry at the meer thought of him not being here for the day, when I know he has to work and will be home tonight. The thought of my cell phone ringing and it showing HIS name on it....

The kind of love, that if it made my husband happy to be with out me and my children, I would gladly walk away.... if he was happy..... knowing my life would be horribly lonely and loveless after.... as long as HE was happy. That is the common thing we share.

The kind of love that makes him willing to walk away from me as well, as long as it is truly what I would want and it would truly make me happier.

I just dont see either one of us being happy with out the other.....

He hates my music, I hate his.
He hunts, I have a deep compassion and love for all animals.
He wants to be outside all of the time, I would rather be with my children or pets giving them the attention..... inside.
He is a morning person, Im a night owl.
Okay, we are both fat.... lol

But we are TOTAL opposites, and it works. He doesnt try to convert me to hunting, as I dont force him to listen to Biohazard. I dont force him to learn to knit, and he doesnt ask me to check my oil.... lol It works.

No one knows how either... its crazy, but its a good crazy.

When the stress has lifted, and the lights go off in the house. I hear a gentle snoring from the baby at the foot of my bed..... I hear a smile in my husbands voice in the dark...... I can feel how much he loves me when he says it........ and I know he means it.

When the crying friend goes home to be ignored by her husband, and after I have cried with her because her pain in so intense it hurts me inside...... she goes home to a miserable existence and I go in to a husband and 2 children who love me more than life itself.

To be held, and told that I am loved..... that is the passionate love I need and he knows it. For a person who is NOTHING like me, he knows me heart and soul and proves it on a daily basis....... I chose the passionate love.

Its Monday, and other stuff.

Its Monday. Even though I dont work out of the home, I still dread Monday.

In a few weeks it will become my day off, which THRILLS me to no end to actually have a day off!! I had some computer issues a week ago, then phone line problems so I have taken the last week off, which has lowered some of my stats, so I am trying to build back up today.. and so far Ive not gotten any calls and I have been building back up while playing with the lil one.

While I do enjoy doing that, Im not making any money until I get calls. Tomorrow will be better!

The phone line is fixed, not how I want it to be fixed, but its fixed none the less. So I can infact work now......

The teenager got in to a wee bit of trouble and the cell phone might not be working out after all. I always want to give him a chance, and I did.... I even sat down with him and explained IN DETAIL the rules of the cell phone, and they arent getting followed.

He thinks its funny to make little calls in the morning while on the bus..... I dont find it funny. So, we discussed it again and he said "You didnt tell me that!"

So.... I pulled out the agreement for the cell phone in which HE signed he agree'd to those terms. So, now I dont know what to do..... he does have another chance, and that is the last chance.

An Uncle (hubbys aunts ex hubby) had a death in his family a while back, she donated her body to science. (bless her heart for doing so) and the memorial was this weekend.

There are things I have apparently hidden back in the back of my mind and body that only come out when I am at a funeral. I looked up, saw the urn, and lost it. I didnt know her.... I only know the Uncle.

I started bawling and had to leave the room. I waited for the rest of the family to join me after and I totally was fine after that. I have a hard time seeing all the flowers etc.... just bothers me and I gotta get it figured out.

I am NOT willing to go back on medication, because I do not want to be dependant on it and how will it help me if it suppresses these things?? I just dont get it. So, I will be avoiding meds and trying to open up more about things so they dont slam me dead in the face from here on out.

I went to my dads house last week to empty out hubbys stuff from his room there, since he is home full time now. When I got there, my 13 yr old nephew was on the couch. He said his ankle hurt and he wanted me to look at it.

He lifted his pant legs and his one ankle looked like it had a fist coming out of it!! We got ahold of his mom, and I took him to her. He and I laughed the whole way there, even though he was in horrible pain. He is alot like me, sense of humor wise....

Well, she got him to the dr, and yes it is broken. So, my mother has 2 gimpy grandsons... lol He isnt casted though, he is wearing a boot instead. He is sick of it already and it hasnt been a week.... lol

The teenager gets his cast off Wednesday. Im so happy about that!!! He sounds like a 1500 pound person clodding through this house, and we have a lot of bare (wood) floors.... lol so he slips and falls... which no, isnt funny but YES it is. Provided he isnt breaking anymore bones! LOL

I broke the printer. I was trying to shake the old cartridge to see if it still had a little life in it before placing the new one in...... and I broke some clippy thingy.

Hubby took me to town and got me a new HP printer, that prints AMAZING photos... and I am soooooo excited to have it!! BUT, the teenager messed with the broken one and found out it worked still.... I had just put the ink cartridge in UPSIDE DOWN!!! So, we have decided to hide that fact from the hubby..... lol

My sister and I had an arguement... well wait... not an arguement. She screamed at me like a spoiled rotten bitch and I hung up on her. That was pretty much it. She called and apologized, but Im not too happy she thinks she can speak to me that way. I am not willing to be screamed at by anyone, especially someone who cant pay her own bills and has a horrible life she is unhappy with and still lives with a parent!

We are finally getting ahead money wise, and by ahead I mean we have more than a dollar in the bank the day before his check deposits.... that makes me happy. Life has sucked for so long money wise, and things are going OKAY for once!!! YAY!!!!

The baby still has no teeth, and he isnt sleeping at night anymore. I am pooped, hubby is pooped and the children are refreshed as ever..... lol

Sorry, I am still alive!

Just a quickie... update later in the week possibly.

I am infact alive and well. lol That I can say honestly.
I am tired.
I am worn out.
I am working my buns off.

The kids are grand!
Hubby is awesome as well.

Im sad, I adored Anna Nicole... may she rest in peace.

Went to a bible study, things are odd for me there..... but I am going.

I think thats the condensed version.....

I hug my kids tightly every day.... Thats the #1 in it all!

Bored.....

Ive really rather gotten bored over the idea of blogging..... I just sit and stare, not a lot to say. Dont want to say too much, because of assholes in my life typa thing.... I will be back one day... Ill be ready to burst at the seams Im sure.

You all have my email address right???? USE IT! lol =)

Hugs, love and all that other mushy stuff, Im just gonna stalk you all for a while!

Winding down.....

I am sooo tired today.

I worked 11 hours yesterday.

When I went to bed, I had intended on getting up at 4:30 am to start over for today.

Apparently no one heard my alarm, I didnt hear a thing.... The King came in and woke me up at 9.

I laid in bed till noon.

Had nephews 8th birthday party at 3 today.

It was fucking cold

Nice though.

He had a good time.

BB ate some ice cream.... he shivered... lol

TA is walking with out crutches now.

Hoping he will continue to do so...

Because Im tired of tripping on them.

Atleast I didnt have to bring a suitcase!

I get tired of moving around and around... this time it had better be over.

I am not deleting the old one, I just locked it. There are too many things there I need to keep for me to read.

I have so much to say, but not enough time or energy to say it all. I will leave it at that for now.